I DON’T BEAT OR YELL AT TIERI. BUT THE ABSENCE OF VIOLENCE IS NOT THE PRESENCE OF DISCIPLINE.
I don’t beat my five-year-old son, Tieri.
I don’t yell at him as a method of discipline. I have sometimes lost my cool, but never used a profane or abusive word towards him.
Still, that alone does not guarantee I am raising a balanced child.
I became a father at 51. At 56, doing life with Tieri is a great pleasure. After God and my wife, nothing matters more than raising him.
Parenting demands vision. Hebrews 12:2 speaks of the joy set before Jesus. What joy is set before me?
A child who knows his worth, exercises judgment, chooses responsibly and becomes an asset to the world.
That is legacy.
Not perfection. Imperfection is no excuse for irresponsibility.
I don’t believe in parenting styles. WE PARENT AFTER OUR KIND: from who we are and the values we live by.
Our foundation is LOVE. “Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:8). My confidence rests in love, not supposedly flawless methods.
Love demands responsibility.
We are building a CULTURE OF DISCIPLINE with two components: EXAMPLE AND INSTRUCTION.
First, EXAMPLE.
Before children understand instructions, they understand examples. Tieri imitates my gestures, expressions and songs. Even my driving teaches him.
He is watching. I must keep growing.
Second, INSTRUCTION.
It begins with his PERSONHOOD.
He is a PERSON OF WORTH, made in God’s image and likeness. His worth is independent of colour, background or parentage.
He has a SENSE OF JUDGMENT. He can think, reason and choose. Choices have consequences.
We teach both WHAT TO THINK AND HOW TO THINK.
What to think concerns VALUES. Philippians 4:8 directs us to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable.
How to think develops reasoning and discernment.
BOTH ARE INDISPENSABLE.
I don’t punish Tieri. I CORRECT HIM. I cannot recall us using the word “punish” with him. He hears discipline, correction and consequences.
We distinguish RIGHTS FROM PRIVILEGES.
Food, rest, learning and appropriate play are not withdrawn as consequences. Schools should not deny classroom learning as a disciplinary measure either.
Treats, as his mother calls them, are privileges. A breached boundary may mean losing a treat, with an explanation.
We have a CALM CORNER, not a naughty corner. He settles and reflects. Sometimes we sit with him. We listen, talk and reconnect. When we are wrong, we apologise.
Our most important conversations happen BEFORE anything goes wrong.
We read together. I homeschool him, devote my first three working hours to him and remain involved throughout the day. Twice weekly, he meets his friends.
This schedule is not everyone’s model. But it illustrates what I mean:
THE ALTERNATIVE TO VIOLENCE IS TIME-CONSUMING, DEMANDING WORK.
It requires presence. Time. Patience. Fellowship. A relationship built on love.
Beating and yelling are SHORTCUTS TO NOWHERE. They can seem quicker than the sustained labour of correction.
But there is another dangerous shortcut: refusing to beat or yell, then leaving the child entirely to himself.
That is not discipline. It is abdication.
We must invest time in understanding the child. I distinguish OBJECTIVE QUANTITY, what we know about children generally from SUBJECTIVE QUALITY, what fellowship reveals about this particular child.
Without relationship, how can we guide him?
AN ABUSED CHILD AND A SPOILT CHILD MAY SHARE A COMMON DESTINY.
Abuse attacks dignity and identity. Spoiling through abandoned responsibility deprives a child of guidance, values and opportunities to develop judgment.
These are not identical experiences, but both can cause harm.
A SPOILT CHILD RESEMBLES A CITY WITHOUT WALLS. Proverbs 25:28 uses that image for a person lacking self-control. I think, too, of the Yoruba expression “akebaje.”
I have concluded that persistently abandoning the duty to guide a child can become a form of abuse.
The best way to predict a child’s future is how we raise him.
Yet some parents tell schools: “Don’t beat my child. Don’t yell at my child.”
I agree completely.
BUT WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE?
What values do we model? What instructions, boundaries and consequences have we agreed upon? How do we partner with the school?
That is why we developed our Parent–School Partnership Pack.
WE HAVE AUTHORITY OVER CHILDREN, NOT DOMINION. Authority carries responsibility.
Not beating is not a trophy. Not yelling is not a strategy.
THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT WE DO INSTEAD.
LOVE NEITHER ABUSES NOR ABANDONS.
LOVE RAISES. LOVE GUIDES. LOVE INSTRUCTS.
A CALL TO PARENTS AND SCHOOLS
Don’t just tell us what you will not do to a child. Tell us what you are deliberately doing to raise that child.
Reject violence. Reject abandonment. Embrace the demanding responsibility of raising children.
A QUESTION FOR PARENTS:
If you don’t beat or yell at your child, what deliberate alternatives have you put in place to teach values, correct behaviour and build self-discipline?
Please share what is working in your home. Let us learn from one another.
#50PlusDad
Enlightenment is Superior to Enforcement®
Follower of Christ. Husband. Father.
Egalitarian. No-Judgment Zone Advocate. Goodwill Investor.
Rebel with a Cause. Thriver. Culture-Led Family Strengthening, Education and Child Safeguarding Attorney, Pioneer and Innovator. Value-Based Parenting Ideologue. Three Decades in the Saddle.
