By

Taiwo AKINLAMI

The 29th Annual Celebrate Kids Conference of the Ohio CASA/GAL Association concluded on Friday, September 28, 2024. The final day of the conference was packed with powerful sessions, both plenary and workshop. Today, I’ll share the key takeaways from the closing plenary session, led by Gaelin Elmore, a thought leader, keynote speaker, and board member of ATTACH, who is passionately advocating for the importance of belonging for youth, particularly those who have experienced childhood adversity.

The Power of Belonging

Gaelin Elmore’s address centered around a universal human need: belonging. Elmore’s background in foster care and the trauma he endured during his youth gave him a unique perspective, making his message profoundly authentic and deeply moving. Belonging, he explained, is a fundamental need that shapes many of the decisions we make throughout our lives, whether consciously or unconsciously. It determines who we associate with, where we invest our time, and how we perceive ourselves.

According to Elmore, belonging is not merely a luxury or a pleasant feeling. Citing research, he emphasized that belonging is as crucial to our survival as food and water. When children and youth do not feel a sense of belonging, especially those who have faced trauma, they often resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, including aligning themselves with harmful relationships or communities, simply because these groups offer them a sense of connection, however distorted it may be.

Three Pillars of Belonging

Elmore referenced psychologist Carl Rogers’ work from the 1950s, which identified three key pillars of belonging: connection, positive regard, and personal relationships.

1. Yearning for Connection
   Elmore described how humans have an innate desire to connect with others, much like our need for air to breathe. This yearning for connection drives our behavior from childhood to adulthood. He pointed out how conferences, such as the CASA/GAL Annual Conference, highlight this human need for connection. Despite the rise of virtual platforms post-COVID, the eagerness to return to in-person events shows that physical presence and connection remain essential.
2. Unconditional Positive Regard
   Positive regard is the unconditional care and concern we need from others—care that is not dependent on what we can do or provide in return. Many children in foster care, Elmore highlighted, often experience relationships where love and care are conditional. This lack of unconditional positive regard leads to trust issues and emotional distance. True belonging requires individuals, particularly advocates and caregivers, to show up for these children even on their worst days, demonstrating that their worth is not contingent on their behavior.
3. Desire for Personal Connection
   The third pillar, personal connection, goes deeper than just being part of a community. It speaks to the need to be known intimately—by family members, friends, or even teachers—who understand our quirks, struggles, and emotions without us having to explain them. For youth in the foster care system, this personal connection is often missing. Their transient lives, constantly moving from one home to another, prevent them from forming lasting, meaningful bonds. Elmore stressed that consistent, persistent pursuit of these relationships by caregivers and advocates is crucial for creating a sense of belonging.

Personal Stories of Belonging and Trauma

Elmore’s address was punctuated with powerful stories from his own life that illustrated the contrast between moments of belonging and the absence of it. He spoke about a memory from his early childhood when his mother stood up for him at daycare after he had been forced to eat broccoli, which he despised. Although it seemed like a trivial issue, the experience left a lasting impression because, in that moment, he felt loved, protected, and valued by his mother. It became a memory that he would return to during his darkest times in foster care, a reminder of what belonging felt like.

In contrast, Elmore shared the heartbreaking story of being removed from his mother’s arms by a caseworker at the age of five and placed in foster care, a moment that forever fractured his relationship with his family. Over the next 18 months, he would live in over 10 different homes, each new placement reinforcing his sense of isolation and rejection. His survival strategy during this time was to shut down emotionally, not allowing himself to form attachments because he had learned that these connections would ultimately be broken.

One of the most harrowing stories Elmore shared was about the time he overslept and missed the bus to school. Deciding to walk to school instead, he was oblivious to the chaos that his absence had caused. The school had called the police, and they were searching for him. When he arrived, the outpouring of concern from the teachers, particularly one who had reported his foster parent for abuse, made him realize that, despite everything, there were people who genuinely cared about him. This moment marked a shift in his perspective, showing him that he mattered.

Compassion, Authenticity, Resilience, and Empowerment: The CARE Model

Elmore introduced a framework called the CARE model, which he believes can help advocates foster a sense of belonging in the children they serve. The CARE model stands for Compassion, Authenticity, Resilience, and Empowerment.

1. Compassion
   Elmore urged advocates to go beyond the requirements of their jobs and approach the youth they serve with compassion. Compassion means feeling empathy for the children’s circumstances and taking action to alleviate their burdens. For Elmore, it was the teachers and caregivers who went out of their way to show him compassion that made the most significant difference in his life. He emphasized that thoughts and prayers are not enough—compassion requires tangible action.
2. Authenticity
   Authenticity is about being real and genuine in one’s interactions. Elmore shared the story of “Miss Peanut,” a janitor at his elementary school who became a key figure in his life. Despite her role, she showed him care and concern in ways that others did not, demonstrating that you don’t need a particular title or degree to make a difference. Authenticity, Elmore said, is about doing what is within your capacity to help, without pretense or expectation.
3. Resilience
   Resilience, Elmore noted, is not only about the children being able to endure hardships but also about the advocates showing resilience in their support. Many children, like Elmore, will push their caregivers and advocates away as a defense mechanism. However, advocates must be more resilient than the children’s defenses and continue to show up, proving through their actions that they are trustworthy.
4. Empowerment
   Finally, empowerment is about preparing the children for a future where they can thrive without depending on their advocates. It’s about giving them the tools and support to rise to their potential. Elmore shared how his high school football coach not only provided him with a place to live but also empowered his father, who was incarcerated, to support Elmore’s future. This act of empowerment helped Elmore succeed in ways he hadn’t imagined.

Conclusion: Belonging as the Key to Success

Gaelin Elmore concluded his address by reiterating that belonging is the key to success for children in the foster care system. Advocates may not be able to prevent the adversity these children face, but they can minimize the long-term harm by providing relationships that offer safety, trust, and value. The CARE model—Compassion, Authenticity, Resilience, and Empowerment—provides a roadmap for how advocates can meet the belonging needs of the children they serve, giving them a chance to rise to their potential rather than fall victim to their circumstances.

Elmore’s powerful message served as a reminder that while the foster care system may be imperfect, the people within it have the power to make a profound difference in the lives of the children they advocate for. It is through genuine relationships, consistent support, and unwavering compassion that these children can find the belonging they so desperately need.

Taiwo AKINLAMI is the Curator-in-Chief of the S.A.F.E for Children® Information Bank, Ohio, a Project of Power Parenting Company LLC(http://www.powerparentingcompany.com/)